S01E08-Vetting and Consensual Non Consent (CNC)

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Kuldrin’s Krypt: A BDSM 101 Podcast

January 31, 2017

Intro:

  1. This is Kuldrin’s Krypt season 1 episode 8 for January 31th, 2017.
  2. (start theme pre-roll) Welcome to Kuldrin’s Krypt I’m your host Master Kuldrin. If you are new to the show this is a place to dispel myths, get rid of stereotypes, and answer your questions about BDSM. You can call in at 865-268-4005 to leave your question or visit the Krypt at kudrinskrypt.com. On this episode of Kuldrin’s Krypt we are changing up the format a little bit and I’m giving you two segments. The first is straight from a short Fetlife article and the other a cautionary tale about consensual non consent also known as CNC. Let’s get started!
  3. Rules to Love by:
      1. Safe, sane, consensual, informed
      2. KNKI: Knowledge, No Intolerence, Kindness, Integrity
      3. “Submission is not about authority and it’s not about obedience; it is all about relationships of love and respect.” -Wm. Paul Young
  4. The vetting process can be extremely easy to extremely hard to do for some people. Especially if you are not yet fully into the community…and in that case you may consider either waiting just a little longer or facing your fears, dive on in and those questions that need to be asked. I found a really good article on Fetlife.com about this and I felt I have to share it with you. I commented on the post asking her permission and she responding “yes, podcast away! My intention in posting was to potentially help others in an area I wish I would have better understood when I started kinking. If it helps one person not have to bumble around the way I did, then I’m a happy girl! 🙂 PM me if there is anything else I can do to assist. Best wishes with your podcast!” So with the author’s permission, who goes by “ruminating” ( https://fetlife.com/users/3612738 ) on Fetlife (and there is a link to her profile in the show notes)here it is:

Vetting is only as good as the questions asked and information provided. Asking “how’s so-and-so?” often results in answers like “cool” or “ok”. After playing, I’ve sometimes recognized that I could have been better informed and prepared had I asked better questions beforehand.

 

Everybody vets differently, and certainly some situations call for more thorough vetting than others. Additionally, just because you ask someone a question doesn’t mean they need to respond. Not everybody is comfortable responding to these kinds of questions; that is okay. This is just what has worked for me, which I’m sharing in case it helps anyone else as they determine what works for them.

What is vetting? Vetting is researching the person before you play with them. Tops can vet bottoms; bottoms can vet tops. Vetting can help you understand and mitigate potential risks.

Who can I contact for vetting? You could ask the person directly for an initial list of references (understand that this list may be biased, but it’s a start!). You could ask community/group leaders or other people in the community who you feel might have experience interacting with this person. For photography or rope in particular, you might find contacts by looking through a person’s portfolio. With each person you contact, consider asking them “who else would you suggest I contact?”

Sample vetting message:

  1. Introduction.

“Hi, I’m thinking of doing [activity] with [so-and-so] and thought you might be a good person to contact for vetting. If you feel comfortable, would you mind sharing your thoughts?”

I’ve had much better results when I provide a little detail on what I’m vetting them for (ie, floggers at a play party vs. rope instruction in a workshop vs. medieval dental torture while alone in their basement in the back woods of Arkansas)

  1. From here, determine what questions would be most helpful given the situation and the person you’re asking. Possibilities:

How long have you known them/played with them?

Have you done [activity] with them before?

How would you describe the style of their play? (Understanding that their style may vary)

How would you describe their technical proficiency or experience level?

Did you feel safe?

Challenges happen. It’s a risk we take. Challenges aren’t always indicative of something “bad”, but can provide learning opportunity. Have you experienced any challenges with playing with them? (Physical, emotional, consent/negotiation/boundaries, anything else)

If there was a challenge, how was it handled?

Do you feel they are receptive to feedback?

Was there anything you wish you would have known before playing with them?

Would you play with them again?

How do you feel about their overall reputation for safety, respect, and responsibility?

Any other insight/advice?

  1. Who else would you suggest I contact for vetting?

The same framework can be used, if desired, when responding to a request for vetting from someone else. Happy kinking! 🙂

  1. Consensual nonconsent: A cautionary tale

NEXT WEEK’S AGENDA

Contact info:

Outro: This has been Master Kuldrin for kuldrinskrypt.com: Unearth the Truth

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