Kuldrin’s Krypt: A BDSM 101 Podcast
February 20th, 2017
- This is Kuldrin’s Krypt season 1 episode 11 for January 31th, 2017.
- Welcome to Kuldrin’s Krypt I’m your host Master Kuldrin. If you are new to the show this is a place to dispel myths, get rid of stereotypes, and answer your questions about BDSM. You can call in at 865-268-4005 to leave your question or visit the Krypt at kudrinskrypt.com. On this episode of Kuldrin’s Krypt we are going to wrap up our 3 part conversation about red flags, fake doms & predators.
- Rules to Love by:
- Safe, sane, consensual, informed
- KNKI: Knowledge, No Intolerence, Kindness, Integrity
- “Submission is not about authority and it’s not about obedience; it is all about relationships of love and respect.” -Wm. Paul Young
The last two weeks we discussed Red Flags and Fake Doms so if you missed that you will need to go back and listen to episodes 109 and 110 before listening to this episode. As usual, this is partly taken from an article and partly my own experience. You can find the link to the submissiveguide.com article in the show notes at http://kuldrinskrypt.com/111 Let get started.
In Parts 1 and 2, we looked at the information that you should try to gather when starting to interact with an unknown Dom/me. However, there are other warning signs that can appear once you start to develop a relationship with your new Dom/me.
Evaluating your training
Once you start in training you have a better chance to evaluate your new Dom/me. Is the Dom creating a positive learning environment, or do they make you feel that you are constantly failing their orders? Was it really a newbie mistake, or is there a lack of training that is causing the failure? Submission can easily set up a feeling of need and dependency on the Dom/me. The sub is often rewarded with praise and punishment, and the new sub will long to perform well in order to get that praise and avoid the punishment. Good Dom/mes want happy and proud subs. There is a difference between ‘beating’ and ‘browbeating’ just as there is a difference between being Dominant and domineering as we discussed in episode #3 “The Dom’s Role and Common Mistakes
Another warning sign in training is the lack of limits or safe words. I know there are experienced Dom/mes who say they don’t use either; however, I strongly believe both are necessary for the safety of a new sub. My first thought when someone says no limits is what about things like breath play, CNC, and primal play. Not to mention knife play, blood play, marks, scars and piercings? If there are no safe word how is your Dom/me going to know if there is some physical or mental effect that you are having trouble dealing with? There are some very experienced and observant Dom/mes out there, and the safe word may rarely or never be used but most of the time when that’s the case it’s also with an experienced sub that probably has logged a lot of playtime with that Dom/me…and besides all that why would a Dom/me feel threatened by having a safe word in place?
Is it Abuse or is it BDSM?
A predator can use the feeling of need and dependency to create an unhealthy environment, rather than participation in an exciting power exchange. Signs of an abuser in the vanilla world are denial, isolation, dependency, anger, control, and emotional impact. How does this relate to the BDSM world? Let’s look at them one by one, and compare with the vanilla world.
Denial –In the BDSM world the Dom may punish you for serious offenses. This has happened to me three times in five years. If He was not allowed to punish me, the alternative would be to end the relationship, due to the nature of the conflict. I chose to accept the punishment. Often a Dom will discipline the sub, giving a clear explanation of the ‘offense’, and the discipline, e.g. standing in the corner because you talked back to your Dom. The discipline will fit the seriousness of the offense. This can be an enjoyable part of the power exchange, and ‘brat subs’ in particular will do things to make the Dom discipline them. (Think of the last scene in The Secretary, where she put a bug on the bed). Discipline can also be a useful training tool. Predators however will convince you that you deserve punishment for a wide variety of real and imagined offenses. They do not use appropriate levels of discipline, so the punishment does not fit the crime. It is never part of a consensual power exchange, and offenses are not forgiven after the discipline. There is a constant reminder of your ‘failure’.
Isolation – A vanilla abuser will isolate a girlfriend from her friends and family. The caring Dom/me may limit certain contacts in order to protect the sub, but will encourage healthy relationships in the community. In other words, it takes a community to train a sub!!
Dependency – If an abuser can control the person, he can control their feelings and keep them. A Dom is all about control, but again, the power exchange is the key. A sub consents to this control, and can withdraw consent at any time. I derive great satisfaction from being owned and under control. However I still have independent thought and action. This makes life for both of us more exciting as willing submission is the ultimate power exchange.
Anger – The abuser reacts with anger instead of a range of emotions. The Dom/me will always keep calm and under control, especially when dispensing discipline or punishment. This is key for the safety of his/her submissive toy!
Control – With the abuser it is his/her way or the highway. A proper Dom/me will negotiate roles in advance, and when a bump is encountered, renegotiation is encouraged. If this does not work out, then both sub or Dom/me have the choice to move on to another relationship, with no hard feelings on either side.
Emotional impact – You can get used to being treated poorly, and begin to think it is normal. The predator Dom/me will approach slavery and submission as a lowly thing. I have had Goreans tell me ‘she’s just a slave’, but that slave is usually highly valued. Humiliation play can be fun, but constant humiliation is abusive. If your instinct is that you are performing a valuable service, but your Dom/me treats you like garbage, follow your instincts and find another Dom/me.
There are wolves in this community. Some of these wolves are quite open about the fact, and proud of it (which gives you an interesting option if you have Red Riding Hood fantasies). Others are predators hiding behind fancy names and secrecy. In a discussion of predators, my Master told me “they refuse to come out into the light of munches and parties, and they pull newbies out to the fringes like separating lambs from the flock”. The world of BDSM is about playing with the dark side of emotions, pain, and pleasure, or about serving in ways that are often unacceptable in the vanilla world. Subs need to be aware of warning signs to protect themselves, just as they do with dating in the vanilla world. In this case a little knowledge is not a dangerous thing; it can help you reap the rewards of the lifestyle of your choice.
NEXT WEEK’S AGENDA
- Next week’s agenda we are going to do a complete 180 from this topic and discuss the importance of humor BDSM.
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Outro: This has been Master Kuldrin for kuldrinskrypt.com: Unearth the Truth