BDSM Choking and Breathe Play-S03E04

By Master KuldrinBeginner, Live, Podcast, Show Notes
Recorded: 7/26/2020 /  Podcast Published: 11/26/2020
  1. – Call in at 865-268-4005 to leave your question or visit the Krypt at https://kuldrinskrypt.com. On this episode of The Krypt we are going to talk about choking and breathe play. 
  2. – Rules to Love by:
    1. 1: Safe, sane, consensual, and informed
    2. 2: KNKI: Knowledge, No Intolerance, Kindness, Integrity
    3. 3: “Submission is not about authority and it’s not about obedience; it is all about relationships of love and respect.” -Wm. Paul Young
  3. – Disclaimer: This is extremely dangerous. We recommend you NOT do this. If you choose to participate in this type of play, you are taking responsibility for the consequences which could include serious injury and/or death. BDSM is NOT a valid defense for accidental death and if your partner dies you will go to prison for negligent homicide.
  • – Why Some People Are Turned on by Choking During Sex—and How to Do It Safely, According to Experts (By Gigi Engle, July 21, 2020

 https://www.menshealth.com/sex-women/a26471117/choking-during-sex/

Have you been curious about choking during sex? Maybe you had a partner recently who, seemingly out of nowhere, asked you to choke them? Or perhaps you saw a porn scene recently where choking was the main attraction? What’s the deal? We have the goods.

Before we get into the psychology of why people are into choking, it’s important to address that choking during sex is extremely dangerous and should be done with caution. There are many risks. Just because you saw choking in a porn scene or are interested in it, does not mean you should just run off and choke your partner. With so much hardcore porn out there showcasing choking as this “no big deal” kind of thing that apparently happens every time you sleep with someone (it doesn’t), we suddenly have novices out here thinking choking is a first date activity. This is all around a BAD idea.

If you’re interested in choking during sex, you need to be so, so careful. This is not the same as spanking, light bondage, or other forms of kinky play. It is capital “D” Dangerous.

You also need to get explicit verbal consent and negotiate how you’re going to choke your partner before you even think about putting your hands around your partner’s neck. In a recent 2019 study conducted by Debby Herbenick, a professor and sex researcher at the Indiana University School of Public Health, 23 of the 347 female respondents described feeling scared during sex because their partner had tried to choke them unexpectedly.

So, why are people into choking during sex—and how can you do it safely, if you’re one of them? We spoke to some experts to get the inside scoop.

  • What’s the psychology behind the appeal of choking during sex?

“For men, choking close to orgasm can have a euphoric effect on climax, but should always be done safely,” says Lia Holmgren, intimacy and relationship coach, and the upcoming author of Play with Power. She adds, “Women can have more intense orgasms when coupled with breath play (choking).”

But the appeal of choking may go beyond stronger orgasms. The turn-on has deep psychological implications, giving both partners an opportunity to explore different roles during sex.

Choking highlights the giving and receiving of control. Giving someone permission to choke you—or visa versa—is allowing the two of you to take on dominant and submissive roles in bed. This is something many of us long for: A release from control, or the power to take it. For example, when you’re used to making decisions, perhaps the idea of letting someone else control you during sex can be a turn-on.

“Choking is an act of surrender when we completely trust the other, dominant party, and let them take complete ‘life-threatening’ control over the submissive party,” Holmgren says. She points out that the “life-threatening” aspect of choking is simply a perceived fantasy. You’re not really looking for any sort of near-death experience, but the prospect of someone having that power can be hot.

  • How can you SAFELY incorporate choking into your sex life?

There’s a problem with the way some people perceive choking. Daniel Saynt, founder of The New Society for Wellness (NSFW), a sex-positive members-only club that hosts sexual education workshops, explains: “Choking is common in porn, usually with a male in the dominant position, so many feel this aggressive action is part of being ‘a man’ or providing strength/dominance in a sexual experience. They feel that doing it is how sex should be done.”

This has dangerous implications. Watching someone get choked out on RedTube does not, in any way, constitute a lesson in proper choking technique. If you do it wrong, it could lead to serious injury or even death.

  • A clear mind is a must.

If you don’t know what you’re doing, haven’t discussed boundaries, and/or aren’t in a proper state of mind, stay the hell away from breath play of any kind.

“If you are going to be choking your partner, you need to make it safe, sane, and consensual,” Holmgren warns. “Don’t practice or perform choking and breath control when you are under the influence of drugs and alcohol, or when [a partner is] unable to consent or [you] haven’t pre-discussed the act.”

  • Take classes and learn what you’re doing.

If you don’t know what you’re doing, you could seriously hurt someone. The way to figure out how to choke someone is with workshops, proper training, and practice.

“If choking or being choked is something you are serious about, you need to take it seriously. Study the anatomy of the neck and read [up] on choking before you even do it,” Holmgren explains.

  • Figure out the best way to touch your partner’s neck.

When you start using choking with a partner, gently press on either side of the esophagus and figure out the pressure that works for them. If you push directly on the front of their neck (where you gather breath, the Adam’s Apple section of the throat) you can cause coughing. This is uncomfortable, not sexy, and SUPER DANGEROUS.

“You are restricting airflow, which means the strength you use on your partner’s neck shouldn’t be crushing,” Saynt says. “You don’t want to break their esophagus.”

  • Pay very close attention to how your partner responds.

“If you restrict airflow too long, you can cause brain damage or death, so don’t get too caught up in the moment,” Saynt says. “Be mindful during play to ensure the safest experience for you and your partner.”

Your partner should be able to answer you if you speak. If they can’t, stop what you’re doing immediately. Never choke someone so hard they cannot express words vocally. Check-in with each other and gather information about personal preferences as you become more experienced.

  • Set up boundaries.

Before any choking takes place, both partners need to establish boundaries and indicate what they are and aren’t OK with. Perhaps you’re looking for “hands-only” play, wherein a partner only uses their hands to choke you, or maybe a collar is more your thing. Whatever you’re into, a discussion must take place.

Holmgren suggests talking about the timing, intensity, and overall goal of the choking. “You want to determine when your partner wants to be choked, (during penetration, oral, etc.) or closer to climax,” she adds.

You should also talk about the “style” of choking: Is it playful, dominant, maybe a little pretend scary? All of this should be determined BEFORE you ever do it, Saynt says.

  • Finally, have a safe word.

In all BDSM play, a safe word should be established beforehand. This is an agreed-upon, usually non-sexual phrase that indicates when one’s partner is uncomfortable and wants the play to stop.

Even though your partner should always be able to speak while they’re being choked, you should also have a “safety action,” just in case they aren’t able to verbally communicate. With choking, a common safety action is to quickly shake your head “no” to indicate that the choking needs to immediately cease. Repeatedly tapping your partner (as one does when wrestling) is also another way to indicate that the choking needs to stop.

  • –  “Breath Play Is a Popular Form of BDSM. Here’s How to Do It Safely.” (By Suzannah Weiss, July 21, 2020)
    1. https://www.menshealth.com/sex-women/a33382089/breath-play-erotic-asphyxiation-bdsm/  
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