Funny, Sad, and Weird U.S. Sex Laws-S04E24

Recorded: 2/13/2022 / Published: 9/14/2022
  • – In this week’s episode of The Krypt we are having a laugh at some of the most screwed up laws in the United States-laws involving sex.
  1. Safe, sane, consensual, and informed
  2. KNKI: Knowledge, No Intolerance, Kindness, Integrity
  3. “Submission is not about authority and it’s not about obedience; it is all about relationships of love and respect.” -Wm. Paul Young
  • – “Funny, Sad, and Weird U.S. Sex Laws-S04E24”
    1. Alabama
      1. Anal and oral sex is illegal between unmarried people.
      2. The Anti-Obscenity Enforcement Act of 1998 is an Alabama statute that criminalizes the sale of sex toys. The law has been the subject of extensive litigation and has generated considerable national controversy.
    2. Arizona
      1. Adultery is still a class three misdemeanor. However, suspects can’t be prosecuted unless the spouse is willing to press charges.
    3. Arkansas
    4. California
      1. In Bakersfield, California, anyone having intercourse with Satan must use a condom. (An asbestos one we presume.)
      2. Stuffed articles made to look like breasts, also known as boob pillows, can’t be sold within 1,000 feet of a highway.
      3. Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship
    5. Colorado
      1. In Cattle Creek, it’s against the law to have sex with your spouse while bathing in a river or stream.
    6. Florida
      1. Sexual relations with a porcupine are stricktly barred by law in Flordia
    7. Georgia
      1. Anal and oral sex are prohibited regardless of marital status.
    8. Hawaii
      1. There are no laws on the books which prohibit bestiality.
    9. Idaho
      1. It’s safe to make love while parked in Coeur d’Alene, Idaho. Police officers aren’t allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Any suspicious officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up from behind, honk his horn three times and wait approximately two minutes before getting out of his car to investigate.
      2. Unmarried sex can result in a $300 fine or six months in jail.
    10. Illinois
      1. In Oblong, Illinois, it’s punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day
      2. A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts.
      3. When someone sells a reptile they are legally required to give the purchaser a written warning telling them not to kiss the reptile.
    11. Indiana
      1. Noticeable boners, or as the law calls it, “covered male genitals in a discernibly turgid state,” are illegal in public.
    12. Iowa
      1. Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn’t allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with you — or holding you in his arms.
      2. Mustached men are forbidden from habitually kissing other people in public in Iowa. 
    13. Kansas
      1. It is illegal to knowingly drive a prostitute to their sex work.
      2. No ice cream on cherry pie Kansans don’t mess around with their cherry pie. At one point, it was illegal in the state to top a slice of cherry pie with a scoop of ice cream. According to the Kansas Secretary of State, it’s unclear how this law originated or whether it’s still technically on the books, but – fortunately for dessert lovers – it’s not enforced.
    14. Louisiana
      1. Streaking is totally legal, as long as it isn’t done with “lascivious intent.”
    15. Maine
      1. In Buckfield, cab drivers cannot charge a fare to passengers who perform sexual favors in exchange for a ride from a place that serves alcohol.
    16. Maryland 
      1. Condoms cannot be sold in vending machines, except in places where liquor is sold.
    17. Massachusetts
      1. Sodomy is still on the books as illegal.
      2. If a person decides to have sex with a rodeo claon in massachusetts, its against the law for it to be in the presence of horses. 
    18. Michigan
      1. Seducing and “debauching” an unmarried woman is a felony, with a punishment of up to five years in jail.
    19. Minnesota
      1. In Minnesota, it is illegal for any man to have sexual intercourse with a live fish. (Apparently it’s OK for woman.)
      2. No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth
      3. Grabbing someone’s clothed buttocks is not considered sexual assault (though lawmakers are working to change that).
      4. It is illegal to sleep naked
    20. Mississippi
      1. In sex education classes, you are allowed to teach about contraceptives, but condom demonstrations are explicitly forbidden.
      2. It is illegal to teach others what polygamy is
    21. Missouri
      1. In Merryville, Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing corsets because “the privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male.”
      2. In sex education classes, you are allowed to teach about contraceptives, but condom demonstrations are explicitly forbidden.
    22. Montana
      1. Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown — if they’re nude
      2. A law in Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman can’t dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing. (Ouch! These pasties hurt!)
      3. It is illegal to have a sheep in the cab of your truck without a chaperone
    23. Nebraska
      1. The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, is required to provide each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple, even if they are married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor may they have sex unless they are wearing one of these clean, white cotton nightshirts.
      2. No one who is “afflicted with a venereal disease” is legally allowed to marry.
    24. Nevada
      1. It is illegal for any member of the Nevada Legislature to conduct official business wearing a penis costume while the legislature is in session.
      2. While prostitution within licensed brothels is legal, those brothels cannot legally be within 400 yards of a place of worship.
    25. New Mexico
      1. In Carlsbad, New Mexico, it’s legal for couples to have sex in a parked vehicle during their lunch break from work, as long as the car or van has drawn curtains to stop strangers from peeking in.
      2. Topless bars are a no-go, as “indecent waitering” is illegal.
    26. New Jersey
      1. Lovers in Liberty Corner, New Jersey, should avoid satisfying their lustful urges in a parked car. If the horn accidentally sounds while they are frolicking behind the wheel, the couple can face a jail term.
    27. New York
      1. Adult businesses must devote no more than 40 percent of their square footage to adult entertainment.
    28. North Carolina
      1. There is a real city called Horneytown, and massage parlors are hilariously illegal there.
    29. North Dakota
      1. In Fargo, skinny dipping in the Red River is illegal between 8am—9pm, and presumably legal from 9:01pm—7:59am.
    30. Ohio
      1. Women aren’t allowed to wear patent-leather shoes in Cleveland, Ohio – a man might see the reflection of something “he oughtn’t!”
      2. It is illegal for a stripper to touch a patron. Stormy Daniels was arrested for this just last month.Published Jul 12, 2018
      3. If a woman is standing in front of a picture of a man in oxford ohio it is illegal for her to strip her clothes off. 
    31. Oklahoma
      1. Sex education instructors must, against scientific evidence, teach students that “engaging in homosexual activity is primarily responsible for contact with the AIDS virus.”
    32. Pennsylvania
      1. Condoms cannot legally be sold in vending machines ever.
    33. South Carolina
      1. It is illegal to seduce someone using the promise of marriage.The law was repealed in 2016.
    34. South Dakota
      1. In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to have twin beds. And the beds must always be a minimum of two feet apart when a couple rents a room for only one night. And it’s illegal to make love on the floor between the beds!
      2. It is illegal to use a covered wagon in any way for the purposes of prostitution.
    35. Tennessee
      1. In Skullbone, a woman may not “pleasure a man” who is operating a motor vehicle.
    36. Texas
      1. Anyone who has six or more “obscene devices” (dildos) “is presumed to possess them with intent to promote”—and promoting obscenity is illegal.
    37. Utah
      1. No woman may have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance within the boundaries of Tremonton, Utah. If caught, the woman can be charged with a sexual misdemeanor and “her name is to be published in the local newspaper.” The man isn’t charged nor is his name revealed.
    38. Vermont
      1. In Beanville, it is illegal to sell or distribute roadmaps which have ads of a “lewd or lascivious nature.”
    39. Virginia
      1. In Romboch, Virginia, it is illegal to engage in sexual activity with the lights on.
      2. You cannot have sex in your car, no matter where you park it.
    40. Washington
      1. Strippers are not legally allowed to wear devices which simulate pubic hair.
    41. West Virginia
      1. It is illegal to transport anyone, sex worker or client, to a place of prostitution.
      2. No ‘lewd and lascivious’ behavior before marriage
      3. In 1931, West Virginia passed a law banning “lewd and lascivious cohabitation and conduct before marriage.” The law was finally repealed in 2010
    42. Wisconsin
      1. In Connersville, it is illegal for a man to fire a gun while his partner is climaxing.
    43. Wyoming
      1. An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store’s walk-in meat freezer!
    44. Bonus: 
      1. Not all states have “Romeo and Juliet laws”
        1. In the United States, many states have adopted close-in-age or age gap exemptions. These laws, known as “Romeo and Juliet laws” provide that a person can legally have consensual sex with a minor provided that he or she is not more than a given number of years older, generally four years or less.
      2. Federal Level
        1. Anywhere in the U.S., it’s illegal to use any live endangered species, excepting insects, in public or private sexual displays, shows or exhibits depicting cross-species sex. (Insectophiles apparently were successful in their lobbying efforts.)
        2. There is no federal regulation of the materials allowed in sex toys.
    45. Outside US
      1. Playing chess is illegal if you’re in the middle of having sex in Tallinn, Estonia
      2. Under No circumstances can a couple make love with the lights on in Budapest, Hungary
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