BDSM Etiquette: Dom to Dom Communication Part 1-S03E30

By Master KuldrinLive, Podcast, Show Notes
Recorded: 1/31/2021 / Published: 09/19/2021
  • – In this episode of The Krypt Mayfair, the chatroom, and I, are going to figure out what BDSM Etiquette: Dom to Dom Communication is all about.
  • – Welcome to Kuldrin’s Krypt. I’m your host Master Kuldrin. If you are new to the show I use my 25 years of BDSM experience and 20 years working in the psychology field to dispel myths, get rid of stereotypes, and answer your questions about BDSM. You can call in at 865-268-4005 to leave your question or visit the Krypt at https://kuldrinskrypt.com. 
    1. Safe, sane, consensual, and informed
    2. KNKI: Knowledge, No Intolerance, Kindness, Integrity
    3. “Submission is not about authority and it’s not about obedience; it is all about relationships of love and respect.” -Wm. Paul Young
  • –  “BDSM Etiquette: Dom to Dom Communication Part 1-S03E30”
    1. – This is a topic that comes directly from a listener and is one that, in my experience, isn’t really talked about outside of mentorships, really good Dominant training classes, or after the fact when there has been an issue.
    2. – The listener, who consent to us using the messages as an example and wishes to remain anonymous, wrote: 
      1. “Question about Dom to Dom etiquette. I have a collared submissive that I allowed to play with a previous play partner (They were formerly D/s primary play partners, but she was not collared and did not need permission to play with others) This is the first time they have played since I collared my sub, it’s been almost a year since they played. 
      2. We have never met in person only chatted on Kik, our communication has been respectful and the morning of the playdate I posted the rules to our group chat (the three of us)  and then said Both of you have a wonderful time today. That’s the last communication we have had. It’s been 24 hours since they ended play.
      3. Now to my questions @Kuldrin and others
      4. 1.  What is the normal etiquette between Doms in this scenario? 
      5. 2. Am I wrong for expecting some sort of Thank you for allowing him to play with my Submissive or something similar?  I would definitely thank the Dom that allowed me to play with his sub. 
      6. 3.  If you were the other Dom would you have text anything after the playdate?
      7. 4.  I was already going to send a Thank you for taking care of my bg and following the rules, should I send that now anyway.
      8. I am open to any and all levels of advice input and/or criticism”
    3. For the sake of time, I’m not going to read it all but he then went into some details about their negotiation and things that the two Dom’s discussed.
    4. – Before I tell you how I responded let’s talk about what manners, protocol, and etiquette are and the differences. This comes from Kim DeBron, aka MJ’s girl, is a collared slave living in rural Australia, that has been in a 24/7 consensual M/s relationship since 2004, and has been penning articles equally as long. She has also written two books “Souls in Chains” in 2010 and the sequel “Broken Links” in 2017. https://www.kimdebron.com/manners-protocols-etiquette
    5. “A lot of people in the D/s lifestyle place great importance on manners, protocols, and etiquette, both at events and functions and also in more private situations.
    6. The dictionary defines Manners as:
      1. 1: Ways of behaving with reference to polite standards.
      2. 2: A way of acting, bearing, or behavior
      3. 3: The socially correct way of acting.
    7. Manners really are important no matter what lifestyle you lead, it is the basic common courtesies which most people learn as they grow up. The please and thank you, not speaking with a mouthful of food, not interrupting a conversation, etc. All things that should apply in all situations.
    8. Protocols and Etiquette, though related to good manners, are really what many people associate with our lifestyle, and many scene people place great importance on both.
    9. So what is a Protocol, and what is Etiquette?
    10. – Protocol is defined as:
      1. 1: A code of correct conduct
      2. 2: The system of rules and acceptable behavior used at official ceremonies and occasions:
    11. – Etiquette is defined as:
      1. 1: Conventional requirements as to social behavior.
      2. 2: The set of rules or customs which control accepted behavior in particular social groups or social situations
    12. From these definitions, it is obvious that protocols are more widely recognized as being official behavior, whereas etiquette is predominantly social behavior, but the basic element is the same, they are about correct behavior in certain situations.”
    13. So with these things in mind, here is my response to the listener:
      1. 1: It sounds like you followed proper protocol. As far as etiquette, and keeping in mind I don’t know the time frame from start to finish, I would give a little longer notice on rules. 
      2. 2: No, you are not wrong. However, some people are void of social/common courtesies. 
      3. 3: Yes, I would have thanked you, assuring you all rules were followed or admitted to anyway I fucked up, and stated intentions of whether or not further play would be requested. 
      4. 4: If you did not add a post-scene conversation between you and him in the rules, you can’t hold him to that standard. However, I would send a message saying something to the effect of “I didn’t have this in the rules because I didn’t realize it needed to be but I am disappointed you haven’t reached back out to me to say ‘Thank you’, give me an update of how things went on your side, or state intentions of future play.” 
      5. Also, I would wait until it has been 48 hours and make it clear to my sub that she is not to say anything to him about it. That he either needs to come to the understanding naturally or receive that message from me at the 48-hour mark.
      6. But that’s just my two cents.”
    14. – He liked the advice and adjusted it to fit a time frame he was comfortable with, their specifics talks, and his own words. Afterward, he sent it to me with the reply from the other Dom. All with great success and communication.
  2. – So, next week we are going to talk more in detail about general protocol and etiquette like “I’m new and this is my first time at a party or dungeon, do I introduce myself using a title? Do I call others by their title? What is the protocol for talking to a collared sub or slave that isn’t yours? How do I ask another Dom, Master, Owner, Handler, Tamer, to play with their charge?”
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