Recorded: 7/5/2020 /  Published: 10/23/2020

1. Welcome to Kuldrin’s Krypt. I’m your host Master Kuldrin. If you are new to the show I use my 25 years of BDSM experience and 20 years working in the psychology field to dispel myths, get rid of stereotypes, and answer your questions about BDSM. You can call in at 865-268-4005 to leave your question or visit the Krypt at https://kuldrinskrypt.com. On this episode of The Krypt Mayfair85 is joining me to talk about emotional sadomasochism.
2. Rules to Love By
   1. Safe, sane, consensual, and informed
   2. KNKI: Knowledge, No Intolerance, Kindness, Integrity
   3. “Submission is not about authority and it’s not about obedience; it is all about relationships of love and respect.” -Wm. Paul Young
3. Some information is sourced from “15 Signs of Emotional Masochism” By Mike Bundrant https://blogs.psychcentral.com/nlp/2015/03/signs-emotional-masochism/?fbclid=IwAR0po8lky89XvbEe35L9uUKF3Ui64DOvaMsVt0PU3rdnsbJ4YB-gSZ9eXSU 
4. Emotional masochism
   1. Definition: 
      1. The tendency to find blatant or subtle pleasure d/t familiarity, self-justification, and/or self-victimization. 
      2. Chronic yet avoidable emotional pain d/t a psychological attachment or trauma.
      3. Finding subconscious pleasure in emotional negativity.
5. Emotional sadism
   1. Definition: The act of inflicting consensual or nonconsensual emotional pain on another person.
6. 15 Signs of Emotional Masochism
   1. Start arguments for no apparent reason.
   2. Engorge ourselves with food until it hurts.
   3. Quit goals right when things start to go well.
   4. Run from happy relationships.
   5. Quit jobs that have potential.
   6. End friendships over trivial matters.
   7. Knowingly spend more money than we have.
   8. Abuse alcohol and drugs.
   9. Tolerate people who hurt us.
   10. Tolerate people who control us.
   11. Tolerate people who reject and demean us.
   12. Tolerate people who humiliate us.
   13. Refuse to stand up for ourselves.
   14. Hold onto painful feelings.
   15. Criticize ourselves incessantly.
7. The emotional terrorist
   1. Definition: 
      1. An emotional sadist, masochist, or sadomasochist that knowingly, intentionally, and nonconsensually inflicts emotional harm to others or creates situations for others to inflict emotional harm to themselves. 
      2. Someone who is pathologically motivated by unresolved tendencies from a problematical childhood or adult trauma and is pathologically insensitive to the feelings of others obsessively seek through unbounded action to achieve a destructive goal with disregard for other people’s wellbeing.
8. Emotional sadomasochism in BDSM/Kink
   1. It’s consensual!
   2. More intense types beyond general 101 degradation and humiliation are most commonly referred to as edge play because there can be long term psychological effects.
      1. Common forms of emotional sadomasochistic play:
         1. Degradation: make a person feel less about themselves.
         2. Humiliation: embarrass someone.
         3. Fear Play: create a situation where someone believes they are at risk for imminent danger. (Primal, blade, consensual non-consent, kidnapping/capture, interrogation, waterboarding, slave sharing/auction, …)
         4. Total Power Exchange: Giving away all of ones power is in itself an act of emotional masochism. 
9. Emotional Sobriety (Dr. Tian Dayton, PhD): sheds light on how and why an individual engages in unhealthy coping mechanisms and how to stop them; it is based on research of the physiology of emotions, that is, the mind/body connection (the thinking mind and our limbic system-the part of the brain that processes emotions);  studies show that repeated painful experiences or “relationship trauma” deregulate the limbic system, thus inhibiting our ability to naturally process our emotions and control or reactions to stress.  When we are in this state of imbalance, it is often that we reach for alternate, sometimes self-destructive “mood mangers”.
10. DBT Diary (Dr. Matthew McKay, PhD and Jeffrey C. Wood, Psy D): Therapists developed DBT as way to help people with overwhelming emotions calm themselves when their feelings become too painful or out of control.  This book provides an overview of each of the four DBT skills(distress tolerance, mindfulness, emotion regulation, and interpersonal effectiveness) and includes a journal you can use each day to monitor your successes, chart your progress, and stay on track making productive changes on our life.
11. Practicing Happiness Workbook (Dr. Ruth Baer, PhD): Helps you break free from the psychological traps that can lead to stress, anxiety, and depression.  The author outlines four common traps that people get stuck in:  rumination, avoidance, emotion-driven behavior, and self-criticism.  This book helps you apply mindfulness skills to everyday situations to aid in overcoming these traps.

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