Moving to a New Community? Playing with a Friend?-S04E36

Recorded: 6/5/2022 / Published: 1/10/2023
  • In this week’s episode, we are talking about moving to a new community and how to deal with the kink politic of the new community and stay to the end because there are going to be big changes coming to the podcast…so, we are going to talk about those. 
    1. Safe, sane, consensual, and informed
    2. KNKI: Knowledge, No Intolerance, Kindness, Integrity
    3. “Submission is not about authority and it’s not about obedience; it is all about relationships of love and respect.” -Wm. Paul Young
  • “Moving to a New Community? Playing with a friend?-S04E36”
    1. If possible, prepare early by visiting before you move. At least watch the groups in the area to see which ones are active and what the mood and tone of the groups are. After you have a pretty good idea about which ones you’d like to get involved with reach out to the leaders or active members and let them know you are moving to the area, ask about their vetting processes, and simply gather information. Just don’t send them a book of questions. Be respectful of their time.
    2. No matter how well known or respected you are in the old community, chances are the new one won’t care and will be wary of you. Don’t be offended, they are being protective of their group.
    3. Rule #1A: Be respectful
    4. Rule #1B: Be honest
    5. Rule #2: Do not frenzy 
    6. Rule #3: Do not name drop. Offer to give ways to vette you but DO NOT name names until asked unless you enjoy making yourself look like an arrogant and pompous ass…especially if your inner circle are truly well-known people within the greater BDSM community.  …And on that, as one of those decently well know people, most of us absolutely respond to messages about vetting someone. I have personally had name-dropped several times by people I’ve never heard of. I’m flattered that someone would think that doing that would get them an auto pass but absolutely does not. BE HONEST!
    7. Rule #4 Be yourself. Putting on a front is a huge turn off and only a narcissist would believe they could keep the front up forever. If you’re a nerd, a geek, a “little off”, strange, weird, or whatever just be you. I have troubles because I have a really off sense of humor. Most see it as sarcasm, arrogance, cockiness, or that I’m simply just an asshole or dick. Those that get to know me understand that I am just “a little different”.The ones that take the time to get to know me become my tribe and everyone else just isn’t for me…and that is OK! Not everyone likes you!
    8. Rule #5: Do not be too quick to judge…about anything. 
  • Playing with someone new that you’re friends with.
    1. Since you already know the person you may feel more or less nervous about asking for a scene. You may think that maybe you won’t need to talk through as many negotiations since you know their style already but really it will be just as important, if not more important, with someone you already know since you may assume they know things but they don’t. 
    2. Things to consider:
      1. What does your partner (if you have one or more) think about the idea of you playing with the friend
      2. Do they have other partners who might need to be contacted first?
      3. Are they someone whose friendship is strong enough to stand if something goes wrong? Things happen sometimes no matter how prepared we are and if the friendship bond isn’t strong you could lose a friend. 
      4. Is their style one you enjoy from what you have observed? (Do they like more stingy things than you do, are they more about sensual play than you, etc.)
      5. Sex. Is it on the table in any manner? It can change friendships dramatically. Even if it is sexual touching or energy it can make things weird between friends if not planned or at least discussed.
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