Recorded: 11/01/2020 / Published: 4/20/2021
In this episode of The Krypt Mayfair and I have a very educational article from Medium.com titled “She Said She Liked it Rough, I Had No Idea Where to Begin”. If you are a person that struggles with what your partner wants or if you are the one that wants it and they are the one struggling, this might be the thing that helps both of you understand it better.
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- “Submission is not about authority and it’s not about obedience; it is all about relationships of love and respect.” -Wm. Paul Young
– “She Said She Liked it Rough, I Had No Idea Where to Begin-S03E18”
- By Liam MacAdam https://medium.com/sexography/she-said-she-liked-it-rough-979ce1dfaded
- The other day, my wife Kate was talking to a friend on the phone about her record of falling for the wrong kind of man. She had a thing for bad boys, and was inevitably left heartbroken when they treated her badly.
“You should do what I did”, Kate said, “find a good boy and teach him how to be bad”.
I knew she was talking about me. Was that really what had transpired in our relationship?
When we first got together, Kate let me know that she liked it rough in the bedroom. This was a problem for me. I could do athletic — multiple angles, various speeds — but rough was not in my sexual vocabulary.
My whole being is about niceness. That doesn’t make me perfect, it just means that gentleness, politeness and empathy are programmed into everything I do.
By the way, I’m not trying to suggest that these are virtues I should be praised for. I did not overcome a mean streak through hard work and therapy. Niceness is my innate disposition, my default mode.
When I asked Kate what she meant by liking it rough, she said that she wanted to be “thrown around the bed”. Apparently, it was one of the things she enjoyed most during an otherwise disappointing previous relationship.
I panicked inwardly. Some things that are asked of us we can immediately visualize doing well and with authenticity. For me, this was not one of those things.
I wasn’t sure what throwing someone around the bed would even look like. How could you make it something sexy, and not just naked wrestling? I had no idea.
As a pleaser, however, I was committed to giving it a try. The next time we had sex, when we had finished doing it from the front, I flipped Kate over so we could do it from behind. I did it with reckless abandon, with scant regard for her physical safety. Afterward, I asked how she liked it.
“Liked what?” she asked.
She hadn’t noticed. It was clear I was out of my depth. I asked her for help.
The next time we were naked in bed together, she suggested I spank her. Spanking I understood. She got up on her hands and knees and I started lightly slapping her upper thighs and bottom. I enjoyed the sound I could make when I struck her flesh just so with my right hand. I could tell she was getting into it by the moans coming from her lips.
“Harder”, she urged.
I spanked her with more and more force as she urged me on, harder than I would ever have felt comfortable doing without her encouragement.
Interestingly, the harder I struck her, the harder I got. Spanking my wife was turning both of us on like almost nothing else we had ever tried before. It quickly became a regular part of our sex life.
Other novelties we had tried in the past, like toe sucking and blindfolding, were pleasurable in the moment and then never returned to again, like one hit wonders. This was different.
Before long, our explorations grew. She liked it when I took her over my knee like a little girl. I say “like a little girl”, but I would never have done that with my own daughter. We were somehow getting immense pleasure by reenacting a discredited parenting strategy from the distant past.
Improbably, she also liked it when I turned her over, spread her legs and spanked her vulva. In this posture, too, she often urged me to go harder. It’s such a tender area, yet many women enjoy getting pounded during intercourse, so I understood there was some resilience built into those delicate tissues.
Kate eventually wanted me to add other rough gestures, like hair pulling and choking, but I struggled with those. If I spanked her too hard, the consequences were minor: we could pause for a moment of caressing while her nerve endings calmed down. But hair pulling could easily trigger an old neck injury she had sustained in a car accident years ago. Choking had the potential of serious oxygen deprivation. I learned to do a restrained version of both that I hoped Kate could amplify with her imagination. Spanking was easy to get right in comparison.
It’s worth pointing out that neither of us liked the idea of marking her skin with bruises or welts. It’s the reason I’ve never enjoyed spanking porn, which always seemed to end with breaking the skin. Anything close to that felt disturbing to me, and ruined the fun. A gentle, rosy glow was our preferred result.
Eventually, we bought accessories: a riding crop, a slapper, floggers large and small. It changed the dynamic considerably when an inanimate object was inserted between my hand and her body. The simulation of violence was somehow enhanced without increasing the pain level beyond what Kate desired.
We even invested in a spanking bench, a substantial piece of furniture with wrist and ankle restraints, that we ordered after a BDSM seminar. It added an element of realism that we hadn’t even realized was missing. There is nothing convincing about an adult accepting physical punishment from another adult without trying to getaway. Fastening Kate into the spanking bench enhanced the illusion of compulsion, that the act was involuntary on her part.
All of these accessories brought a new theatricality to our intimate life. In regular sex, we are physically close to our partners, kissing, caressing and penetrating them. While these things are wonderful — among the greatest joys of the human experience — they can also devolve into tired routine in a long-term relationship. Taking the time to stage a completely different kind of interaction is disruptive to that familiarizing trend.
All of this was strange. How was it that I, who would never hit a woman in anger in a million years, loved spanking Kate so much as a sex act? Where other activities had dropped away, spanking had come to be involved at least fifty percent of the time we had sex. I think there were two forces at work.
- Transgression As human beings, we are drawn to the forbidden. Rule-breaking is an important part of how we make progress as human beings, and no rule is more sacred than that a man must never hit a woman. In spite of the distressing level of spousal violence in our society today, most men happily uphold this standard. But that high level of forbiddenness means that the experience of transgression would taste especially sweet. It makes sense that this would be especially true among men who, like me, put the highest premium on a woman’s safety.
- Permission Just because transgression has an innate appeal, however, most men do not run amok all day robbing banks and setting fires. The majority understand that there are even greater pleasures to be had from following the rules. But when a woman invites a man to do something forbidden for her pleasure, the exhilaration that goes hand-in-hand with bad behavior becomes accessible to otherwise peaceful males.
Both transgression and permission relate to intimacy. Relationships are built on the exchange of vulnerability and trust. It’s hard to imagine a more vulnerable and trusting situation for a woman than to be naked, bound and about to be struck by a man.
That’s why I can’t imagine how impact play would work relationally except as a female instigated activity. How gross would it be for a man to ask to hit a reluctant woman for his own sexual gratification? It’s only possible for us because Kate asked me for it with enthusiasm.
Still, I am generally suspicious of easy answers to any of the great questions of life. I feel something is lost when we reduce profound experiences to easily comprehended cause-and-effect relationships. I am very comfortable with mystery. In fact, I seek out uncertainty wherever I can find it.
The biggest mystery of all, however, is this: How is it that Kate, a smart, confident, accomplished woman, came to enjoy punishment for its own sake?
Whatever the answer, it inhabits a very deep place in her being. It is a question I choose to honor by resisting the urge to explain.
- Full show notes: https://kuldrinskrypt.com/318
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