Catching the Feels for a Playpartner-S04E51

Recorded: Feb 5, 2023 / Published: June 10, 2023 
  • – In this episode Mayfair and I are addressing a listener question about what to do when you catch the feels for a playpartner. 
  • 1: Safe, sane, consensual, and informed
  • 2: KNKI: Knowledge, No Intolerance, Kindness, Integrity
  • 3: “Submission is not about authority and it’s not about obedience; it is all about relationships of love and respect.” -Wm. Paul Young
  • – “Catching the Feels for a Playpartner-S04E51”
    • Anonymous writes:

Hello Kuldrin!

First, let me say that your podcast is a treasure trove! I just recently entered the BDSM community, and your podcast has been an amazing help!

Question: Have you done an episode on catching the feels for play partners? I am in a monogamous marriage but we just started playing with others. I have kind of become infatuated with my first and so far only “extramarital” play partner. Lucky for me he lives 3 hours away and all signs point to the feelings not being mutual.

We plan on seeing him again and probably playing with them.

I don’t like how easily I developed the feels for him. First time I’ve had this experience in over 20 years and I’m not sure how to process it. We barely spent any time with them, so it isn’t any deeper than sexual attraction, I think.

So long story short, do you have an episode that addresses this?


  • My response:

Hello and thank you for listening and taking the time to message me!

No, I haven’t done an episode specifically on this topic. I have talked about it briefly in bits and pieces here and there and with guests like Babylove but never as the focus of conversation. If you’d consent to me reading your message in a show, anonymously if you request, I would be happy to use it as a lead into the conversation. I could probably even make it this coming Sunday’s live show topic. If you are not aware, we are live on YouTube @3pm est on the 1st and 3rd Sundays of every month. 😀

Now to somewhat answer your question. First, this is not at all uncommon and there are four basic reasons usually behind this. They tend to work in some kind of mix.

1: NRE (New Relationship Energy): While it’s a play partner and not a romantic partner, NRE can still be a very real experience. Even if it was just a vanilla friendship, NRE can take over.

2: Frenzy: You are experiencing new things with a new person and the mind is greedy. It wants more and more. There is plenty of scientific research on endorphins like adrenaline, norepinephrine, and oxytocin (the love drug) to prove that both frenzy and NRE are chemical reactions that can cause people to think, feel, and act outside of their baseline.

3: Natural sexual attraction (N.S.A.): whether it is an obvious thing or something that only comes out during a scene, NSA is something that people in committed relationships deal with on a daily basis. I can (Did you mean can’t?)leave the house without seeing someone that makes me think some beautifully naughty thoughts. With this said, adding all the chemistry, internal(brain chem) and external (how they appeal to you) can make for a very serious natural attraction to someone.

Well shit! #4 has left my brain… if I think of what I was thinking of when I initially read your message I will reply with when it comes back around.

Mayfair’s Note: Playing with anyone, be it someone you have known for a long time or someone you just met is inherently intimate. If you have been with the same person for a long time you likely have not experienced intimacy with anyone outside of your spouse. So naturally these encounters may cause you to be confused because you have always associated those intimate feelings with the love and attraction you have with the spouse. That is not to say you don’t have a crush, all of the things Kuldrin said are valid. I would recommend sitting with the information to understand is there something about the person that makes you feel that way or is it the way they made you feel in the moment? 

So, with three out of four of those things laid out, btw there are episodes on NRE and frenzy, maybe some advice could help.

Figure out the deeper reason behind the attraction. It could be surface level but it’s usually surface NSA along with frenzy and/or NRE.

Communicate with your spouse about what you are feeling and accept their response. They could be jealous, upset, angry, hurt, … or they could be open to you trying out your fantasy with this other person. Either way, you are being ethical by keeping them in the loop. This is important for many reasons but to me the most important is this: the one thing every cheater has in common is secrets from their partner(s). If you feel safe to discuss it with your spouse, which their reaction might make you not feel safe but that typically passes, then you are more likely to keep them in the know about everything going on. No secrets = no cheating.

If and when appropriate, have a conversation with the play partner. I can’t stress this enough-talk to your spouse first! See where they are at. They might share in your desire in some way or they may wish to no longer play because it puts them in an awkward position. Whatever the case, they have a right to know because it effects them, your scenes, your potential for drop, your need for aftercare and post play check ins…and things I’m not even remembering. LOL!

I’m sure I will have much more to say on this, but those are my initial thoughts (minus one…damn that #4 🤣) I hope thus helps. Oh! This wasn’t #4 but journal about all this could help you figure out the deeper reason for your sexual attraction to them.

Thank you again!

With Respect,


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