Recorded: 9/20/2020 / Published: 2/24/2021
- In this episode of The Krypt, Mayfair and I are talking the often forgotten about Dom’s right to deny consent.
- Call in at 865-268-4005 to leave your question or visit the Krypt at https://kuldrinskrypt.com. In this episode of The Krypt, Mayfair and I are talking the often forgotten about Dom’s right to deny consent.
- Rules to Love By
- Safe, sane, consensual, and informed
- KNKI: Knowledge, No Intolerance, Kindness, Integrity
- “Submission is not about authority and it’s not about obedience; it is all about relationships of love and respect.” -Wm. Paul Young
- “Sex With My Girlfriend Has Taken an Alarming Turn in Quarantine: Not all of us are cut out to be murderous KGB agents. by STOYA AUG 11, 2020
Dear How to Do It,
Since the pandemic, my girlfriend has been living with me, so we are spending much more time together and having much more sex. While sharing everyday activities is bringing us closer together in some respects, changes in our sexual relationship are driving us apart. We had what I thought was a fun and varied sex life. We role-play, act out fantasies, play with toys, and suggest new things to each other. Lately, she has been wanting more and more bondage, something that I always enjoyed—and initiated—as fantasy, but am becoming uncomfortable within reality. Previously, the most I would ever do was hold her down while penetrating her and yell threats of more to come, but she has been shopping online like mad for handcuffs and straps and e-stim toys and wanting scenarios beyond my ravishing her to my hurting her. In the past, when we used clamps, I would put them on her, but she would control the tension. Now she wants me to control the tension, but she won’t tell me when she’s had enough. Yesterday, she started crying, so I immediately stopped the tension, took the clamps off her nipples, and asked if she was OK. But rather than being grateful for my concern, she berated me for going off-script (she was a spy, and I was torturing for information). She said it was like breaking the third wall in a play, and I spoiled the game. I told her I am no longer comfortable with this, but she dismissed my concerns because she is giving consent. Doesn’t consent have to be mutual? Just because she’s willing to receive pain doesn’t mean I’m willing to administer it. I don’t mind playing a KGB agent, but I don’t want to be one in real life. I love her and I want to satisfy her but this is just too much. What can I do?
You are absolutely correct that consent needs to come from all involved parties. And that consent needs to be specific—a broad consent to BDSM in no way means that you’ve consented to the full range of BDSM activities. And my, what a range there is.
I can absolutely understand how a person might get so wrapped up in the scene that they become agitated when there’s a pause or an interruption. That’s life, though. That’s part of playing sanely and consensually. It wasn’t OK for your girlfriend to berate you for breaking character. You did the right thing—if crying hasn’t been discussed, or it’s been discussed as something you’re uncomfortable playing through, you should absolutely stop to check-in or honor your own boundary.
There’s an idea in BDSM that “the submissive is always in control.” It sounds nice and is great to help lay the fears of outsiders to rest: The submissive is the one asking for this; they can stop at any time; they dictate what they do and don’t want to do, etc. But in reality, I worry that we can sometimes lose sight of the top’s consent and agency. All fantasy scenarios aside, the dominant usually wants to please their partner. They may be motivated to go further than they’re really comfortable without a desire to fulfill their partner’s needs. We need to be cautious of the comfort and consent of everyone involved in a scene.
Have the two of you ever done a yes/no/maybe list? There are plenty online, or you can make your own. The idea of the list is an exhaustive catalog of sexual activities people might do together that each party can independently mark their level of interest in. You might suggest the two of you engage in this exercise as a way of getting back on the same page. Once you’ve both marked your lists, you go through them together comparing to see where you overlap and discussing in more granular detail the maybes and the noes.
Remember, you get to have noes too, and I wouldn’t engage in this kind of play again until your girlfriend strongly affirms that.
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