Recorded: 1/20/2019 / Published: 1/23/2019
- Welcome to Kuldrin’s Krypt I’m your host Master Kuldrin. If you are new to the show I use my 23 years of BDSM experience and 20 of working the psychology field to dispel myths, get rid of stereotypes, and answer your questions about BDSM. You can call in at 865-268-4005 to leave your question or visit the Krypt at https://kudrinskrypt.com
- On this episode of the Krypt you and I are going deep into the woods about nurturing positive dominant qualities within one’s self. First, I am going to give you a tool to help you figure out what you are already dealing with and then I’m going to share with you the things that I feel should be commonly found character traits for those on the left side of the slash…if not both.
- [1:04] Rules to Love by:
- Safe, sane, consensual, and informed
- KNKI: Knowledge, No Intolerance, Kindness, Integrity
- “Submission is not about authority and it’s not about obedience; it is all about relationships of love and respect.” -Wm. Paul Young
- [1:28] PAD Temperament Mode ( https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/PAD_emotional_state_model )
- In order to know the best things in oneself to nurture we first need to know what is already there. For this, we are going to take a look at the PAD emotional state model which today typical is only used for marketing and developing multidimensional animated characters…but hey, if you can give a cartoon layered emotions and make them come alive on the silver screen with this then it has to have some kind of credibility and usability for us, right?
- The PAD emotional state model is a psychological model developed by Albert Mehrabian and James A. Russell starting in 1974 to describe and measure emotional states. PAD uses three numerical dimensions, Pleasure, Arousal and Dominance to represent all emotions. Its initial use was in a theory of environmental psychology, the core idea being that physical environments influence people through their emotional impact. It was subsequently used by Peter Lang and colleagues to propose a physiological theory of emotion. It was also used by James A. Russell to develop a theory of emotional episodes-more commonly know as relatively brief emotionally charged events. The PA part of PAD, or Pleasure and Arousal, was developed into a circumplex model of emotion experience, and those two dimensions were termed “core affect”. The D part of PAD, which again stands for Dominance, was re-conceptualized as part of the appraisal process in an emotional episode which is a cold or neutral cognitive assessment of the situation eliciting the emotion. A more fully developed version of this approach is termed the psychological construction theory of emotion.
- Now I know everything I just said might sound a bit confusing so let me break this down into some pretty simple terms by dividing up PAD into “Pleasure”, “Arousal”, and “Dominance” but remember to keep in mind that this is done using a 1 to 10 scale or a 1 to 4 scale, depending on the old version of the newer version, and I’ll give an example of this at the end.
- [4:25] Pleasure
- The Pleasure-Displeasure Scale measures how pleasant or unpleasant one feels about something. For instance, both anger and fear are unpleasant emotions and both score on the displeasure side. However, joy is a pleasant emotion.
- [4:57] Arousal
- The Arousal-Nonarousal Scale measures how energized or soporific one feels. It is not the intensity of the emotion — for grief and depression can be low arousal intense feelings. While both anger and rage are unpleasant emotions, rage has a higher intensity or a higher arousal state. However, boredom, which is also an unpleasant state, has a low arousal value.
- [5:43] Dominance
- The Dominance-Submissiveness Scale represents the controlling and dominant versus controlled or submissive one feels. For instance, while both fear and anger are unpleasant emotions, anger is a dominant emotion, while fear is a submissive emotion.
- So now, how do these three things tie together in determining what is what? Let’s say that something happened and you became angry. You would give the emotion of anger values for each of the three sections of the PAD emotional state model. For some this might look like this: Anger is a quite unpleasant, quite aroused, and moderately dominant emotion. While for others it might like: Anger is moderately pleasant, mildly aroused, and mildly dominant emotion.
- Now, use all this in emotions and environmental situations. This means that you are not just looking at the feeling itself but also taking a look a specific setting, with certain people at a restaurant, in a dungeon, … the locations, situations, and emotions is an endless sea of possibilities so this is one of those life exercises that you will need to constantly and consistently come back to for further exploration but be careful not to burn yourself out on it as it can also be pretty exhausting.
- [10:23] Ok, so now that you have examined a few emotions using the PAD emotional state model, what have you figured out about yourself? Where do you need to the most work? The areas where the arousal is high that it creates a situation out of your control might be a good place to start along with anything that causes debilitating anxiety, stress, or depression.
- [11:41] “…and…how do I go about doing this?”, you ask. There are several ways. The first thing I would do is check out the NCSF website ( https://www.ncsfreedom.org/ ) to see if they are any kink-friendly therapist in your area.
- The second thing I would do, besides actually make and attend the appointment with an open mind, is check out some books that are written to help with the specific areas you are having difficulties with or that you want to change. However, keep in mind that things don’t happen overnight and it is always best to tackle a few smaller projects back to back first to build a sense of security within yourself. Otherwise, it is incredibly easy and common to get lost in the process which means you will give up and fail. You and I both know that the worst thing about failing at something is that it often prevents us from moving to the next things because we start thinking that we will just fail at that as well. So, again, you’ve got your list now it’s time to start small.
- The third thing is to, you guessed it, communicate!!! You are changing yourself at your core and the people around you need to know this is happening. There is nothing worse than worrying about someone day in and day out because they are acting differently but they refuse to tell you why. I have lost friendships and had difficulties with family members from both changing and being the one wondering what was going on with the other person. If you don’t know about it, it is frustrating and will cause fights. Again, you are changing your entire foundation.
- [14:46] Commonly found character traits in EFFECTIVE Dominants with a history of successful relationships. (and honestly, these are also commonly found in effective submissives with a history of successful relationships.
- Self-awareness: having an accurate and realistic view of one’s self.
- Effective Communication: to converse with the intent of both understanding and being understood. (See also https://kuldrinskrypt.com/s01e24 )
- Patience: putting one’s personal irritations to the side in consideration of another person’s needs, beliefs, culture, or habits often for the purpose of peacekeeping.
- A realistic view of self, others, the world, and situations.
- Leadership: Depending on the day, the popular thought is that people either are or are not born natural leaders. Either, few if any great leaders did so without education. People always want to bring up those that dropped out of school or didn’t go to college but there are certainly other very effective ways to become educated.
- Honesty: one of the hardest things to do is tell someone something that is going to hurt them but part of being a an effective Dominant means there are going to be times when this is the right choice. Delivery is everything. I know some news is just about unpolishable but the only thing worse than giving bad news is having someone else gives it for you and then person wants to know why you didn’t tell them.
- Loyalty: I’m not just talking about fidelity within a sexual relationship. Loyalty to one’s self and to others they are close with are essential traits. However, this is also one of the most misused and misunderstood terms…especially when it comes to blind loyalty. This goes back to “if your friends jump off a bridge are you going to do it too just because they did it?” My thought has always been two things regarding this question: 1: “It depends on the height of the bridge and what’s underneath it.” And 2: “Why would anyone have friends that wanted them to jump off of the proverbial bridge?” My loyalty is for those who deserve it and the determination of that depends a lot on their character traits matching the list of things you and I are talking about right now.
- The desire for education and growth: No one knows everything and stagnation, for me, is death. Having a passion to learn and to grow is a necessity in any relationship if the relationship is to last much past the honeymoon phase. Aka NRE
- The ability to grow: I have met a lot of people throughout my years that talked a lot about personal growth but did very little to no actual growth. At times I have that person but I always come back around to self-improvement. Most people that spend much time around me at all has heard me say “I learned something today so it’s not a wasted day.” Sometimes it’s a fun fact, sometimes it’s strictly educational, and other times is life-altering but the thing that stays almost a constant is that I am on the lookout for those moments. Is listening to this episode or this show going to help you be better tomorrow than you are today? That is my hope for every person.
- Kindness/Politeness: If you think being kind or polite is a weakness you are probably domineering and not Dominant. Something every submissive I have ever had has asked me not to do is apologize to them. I refuse this request every single time. No one is perfect. I am going to make mistakes. Sometimes the polite and right thing to do is to apologize for it. How can I teach or expect my submissives to be kind or polite if I am not leading by example? Also, I have had other Dominants tell me I was weak because I apologized to a sub. Now, this isn’t a blanket statement about all like this but I have seen some of these same people leave zero tip on a $200 ticket with excellent service.
- Compassion: Empathy and sympathy seem to be uncommon traits in people these days. So nurturing the characteristic of compassion will have you standing out amongst the other heard. This doesn’t mean you can’t be a sadist or you have to get rid of all of your toys. It doesn’t mean that you have to give every homeless person a $100, a hot meal, and a comfy bed. It just means that you strive to understand where the other person is coming from and you have the ability to relate to it and do what you can within reason to help.
- Self-control: This is the one that could cost me some listeners but keep in mind that this also applies to me and I am not perfect. Several years ago a friend and I were talking about his subs lack of self-control when it came to her sexual desire. I recommended he led through example and practiced more self-control in his own life. He asked what I meant. I pointed out that he had a food addiction just as he was accusing her of having a sex addiction. He was 5’8” and weighed well over 260 lbs. For those of you using the metric system that’s about 173 cm tall and 118 kg. He was immediately furious with me. Blaming his genetics and being “big boned”. A few weeks went by and he called me saying that I was right. He had kept the food journal I recommended and clearly seen the data that proved he was a very serious emotional eater. Over the next year, he dedicated himself to self-control and lost over 80 lbs or 36 kg. He didn’t fall back on excuses. He simply exhibited self-control and stopped eating every time he felt something that made him uncomfortable or every time he got bored. So again, how can we expect our submissives to have self-control or any of these traits if we don’t lead by example? “Do as I say, not as I do” is one of the biggest giveaway statements a person can make that lets me know they are not Dominant, they are domineering.
- Integrity: This is simple. Real integrity could be measured by a combination of a few of the things on this list but it is really measured by what you do when no one is watching you. Do you turn in that $100 bill you found to customer service or put it in your pocket? Would you cheat with that man or woman if you knew no one would ever find out about it, even though doing so would violate the terms of your relationship? Would you tell a complete stranger someone else’s secret if you knew they would never find out you told? Integrity has nothing to do with others, it’s all about you and your choices.
- A sense of humor: The best relationship advice my mother ever gave me was “Son, you can have and keep any woman you want if you just keep them laughing.” She wasn’t wrong…not even a little. The older I get and the more relationships I have to look back on, the more I realize just how important laughter is in a relationship.
- Generosity: Going back to compassion and the example of tipping or not tipping as it was, my wife and I are not rich. We manage and that’s about it but once or twice a year it is important to me to commit a random act of kindness. I’ve done this since my first job. I might ask around and find someone I can anonymously leave something they really need on their front porch or hear from a waitress about their struggles as a single mother and their three jobs and decide to leave them a $100 tip. I might buy and donate ten, 40 lb bags of dog food to the animal shelter. I might donate my time to teaching about BDSM through a podcast or by giving someone a service topping session. I do this because it brings me true joy to know that I have helped. It isn’t for recognition as it is always anonymous when possible or when I can write the tips out and leave the restaurant before the waiter or waitress see it. It’s not for praise as this is a form of humiliation to me…I do not do well with being praised. Really, I guess the reason I do it is that to me it is the right thing to do when I can.
- For full show notes visit https://kuldrinskrypt.com/208
[39:44] A final note or two:
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Outro: This has been Master Kuldrin for kuldrinskrypt.com: Unearth the Truth