PodcastShow Notes

Acceptence within the BDSM Commuinty-S02E07

Recorded: January 7, 2019 / Published: January 8, 2019
  1. Call in at 865-268-4005 to leave your question or visit the Krypt at https://kudrinskrypt.com
  2. On this episode of the Krypt, you and I need to have a very important conversation about Acceptance within the BDSM Community.
  3. [0:43] Rules to Love by:
      1. Safe, sane, consensual, and informed
      2. KNKI: Knowledge, No Intolerance, Kindness, Integrity
      3. “Submission is not about authority and it’s not about obedience; it is all about relationships of love and respect.” -Wm. Paul Young
  4. [1:10] Krypter:
    1. I’ve heard you say on the show that if anyone has questions to write you and I’ve had one for a while that I’m hoping you can help with.
      Like I said earlier we are relatively new to being out in the community and have been welcomed into to the three local private dungeons in our area. One about 20 minutes from our home the others over an hour away in separate directions. We have a very small core group of people and they all basically take turns hosting events and play parties. The problem we are running into is that about 85% of the people are poly (which we are completely fine with it’s just not for us) and they all play amongst themselves and Master and I only play with each other. We both have explained nicely on multiple occasions that we don’t play with others and are strictly monogamous and a little bit about why. However, they aren’t really accepting that. It also states the same thing on both of our Fetlife profiles. I’ve even had individuals make comments at a vanilla baby shower hosted at one dungeon about giving it time and they’d change my song and I’d join their poly group.
      So the question is beyond driving 2 hours to a large city which is prohibitive due to children, cost and restrictions due to opposite days off work what does a couple do? The only options we can come up with are: distance ourselves from the local community and only play at home again, drive to a larger city if and when we can schedule it, or continue to put up with the comments/reiterate our stand at every event.
      Please don’t get me wrong these are very nice individuals and have been happy to accept us into the fold. We just don’t know how to handle the constant inquiries without being downright rude and/or being rejected by the group.
      Thank you for taking the time to read my email, having such a wonderful show and being such a driving force of safety and understanding in the community.
  5. [4:23] Master Kuldrin:
    1. You stated these are good people so it sounds as though they are being playful but also serious in their attempt to change your marriage and dynamic. If it were me, because I tend to be very direct and outgoing, I would pick a munch or gathering where most or all would be and stand together with my sub, get everyone’s attention, and then say something like…
      “Good evening everyone! First, my sub Mayfair and I would like to thank you all for being so welcoming as we have ventured out from the bedroom and into this wonderful local community. She and I never expected to make such wonderful friends and have such great experiences and We thank you all for that. From toys to types of play…it makes us excited to continue this journey together. Speaking of, there is one thing that is making us uncomfortable. We respect everyone’s dynamic and seeing all the different ways people are together and play. However, there seems to be a lot of pressure and comments that we should try poly…and that just is not our dynamic. Also, by us stating we are not poly and some continuing to push, we feel as though our hard limits are being pushed without either of us consenting to it. We respect that way of doing things but we don’t feel the respect in return…like we are judged for such a “vanilla” marriage dynamic like monogamy. Please understand, we know that no one has done this to make us uncomfortable but we do feel strongly that if people continue to disrespect our marriage by trying to convince us to convert to a poly lifestyle we will have to take our fun back behind the comfort and security of our own closed doors.”

      I would say it with the nicest, yet most sincere and stern tone possible as to offer respect but command authority.
  6. [6:36] Krypter:
    1. I am sorry to hear that you’ve dealt with a similar issue recently and I hope whatever you did has helped the situation. I think doing an episode on this type of thing would be an excellent idea and I’m sure it would help quite a few people. I imagine it would work for most any situation that people are pushing their agendas on others. Situations like the poly issue, problems with someone pushing you to try a kink because they love it (that’s been an issue also, unfortunately), swinging and I’m sure countless others that I’m not even aware are options.
      I loved your speech and definitely heard your voice in my head while reading it and can’t wait to hear what else you have to say on the episode if it come I to existence. And if we can do anything to help you with the podcast let my master or I know.
  7. [7:27] Master Kuldrin:
    1. Really, when you think about it, it comes down to communication…as it almost always does. If they are joking but serious they may not realize that what they are saying is pushy, rude, inappropriate, judgy, etc. Also, they are like most people who think about consent on the terms of physical actions like sex or the use of impact toys. Even when consent is thought about when it comes to words most people just think about humiliation, degradation, and honorifics when in fact it’s also being pushy, being intrusive, being obtuse, … most people, myself included, are guilty of doing this but when it was brought to my attention…welp…you just can’t unlearn things once they’re stuck in the noodle.
  8. [8:15] I’m curious about the experience of others that have dealt with this, how you handled it and the outcome. Email me your stories and be sure to include if I can share them.
  9. [8:31] A brief recap. “If you don’t have anything nice to say, keep your mouth shut.”
  10. [9:29] Another thing I feel I need to talk to you about is something that happened at a party. A brand new couple came into the middle of a conversation and immediately left because of what they heard. There were a few interracial couples and few singles scattered about in a living room having a rather comical conversation about their lives and the weird things that happen in all relationships, gay, straight, interracial or other and the couple that entered late into the chat packed up and bailed on the party. Later they texted the person that had sponsored them to be there stating that they felt someone of a minority heritage was being made fun of and referenced two people that were doing it. The party host was very concerned about this type of behavior in their house and immediately sought out that truth of the situation. The truth was far from the couple that had left’s perception. The two interracial couples were actually leading the conversation, everyone involved was very close friends, and the main comment made in question was actually said by a very sweet slightly older lady that was quoting a comedian. Oh, and a tattoo that was said to be an S.S. tattoo was a pagan symbol.
    1. [11:21] So what is my point? Well first, the couple that left did what they felt was necessary. Was it wrong or right? They felt it was an environment that didn’t suit them and they left. Then reported the possible hate speech. Is it even for us to judge their actions? Or is it something that we can use as a lesson for making snap judgments? …if you are a Krypter you already know what I will do, so let’s get educated…
    2. Even though they thought they were standing up for justice, if they had really been standing up they would have done so prior to leaving…as in, the moment it was happening and not waited to send a text.
    3. They could’ve asked about the tattoo instead of developing a biased disposition toward this person that was based on ignorance.
    4. Side note: Why did ignorant become such a bad thing to say about someone? No one knows everything, therefore everyone is ignorant about something…or a lot of “somethings”….but anyway back to this
    5. In this case, talking to the host or the person that sponsored you to be at the party would have been the better choice. I understand that being new and not wanting to make waves with a bunch of people you don’t know feels like so there really wasn’t an easy choice except for the wrong choice which would have been to say and do nothing at all and left either then or later in the evening and had a permanently bad impression of basically everyone that attended.
    6. So, as I said before in the previous story, and as I say to you on nearly every episode, communicate! Again, I don’t at all look down on the people that left or the people that were having the conversation. As far as I’m concerned they all made the choices that suit them. This is acceptance. Just because I would have done it differently doesn’t mean I see fault, blame, or condemnation. I am fully aware of my life experiences and how they influence the decisions I make and I am fairly certain that most, if not all of the people at that party understand their reasoning as well.
  1. [16:47] So, in wrapping up this topic, first, I just want you to be more understanding and aware. If you don’t know ask. If someone says that something isn’t for them or isn’t their kink, respect that. On the flip side, talk, ask, and communicate. Look, I completely get the joy, happiness, and excitement that my way of life, my kinks, and my fetishes brings me but I also know that it is absolutely for ME. You thought I was going to say “but I also know that it’s not for everyone”. In this case, it is not at all a difference in semantics. The way I stated it is true…My way of life, My kinks, and My fetishes are for me because of my experience, psychological foundation and growth, and my education throughout my journey and I’m the only person that has or will ever have the exact journey that has led me to where I currently am. Secondly, I am a person that makes inappropriate jokes and comments…and not just the perverse kind. Oh no, I’m talking about the ones that most people don’t understand until they get to know me and even then I am probably most often described as an asshole. I say these things joking around but what is in my mind usually doesn’t translate. I have learned to become hyperattentive to these comments and I try not to say them. Sure I could have an “F anyone that has a problem with it” but that is redneck, trashy, and bullying…and doesn’t really do anyone any good. Like Ellen DeGeneres says “Be kind to one another.”
  2. [19:56] A final note or two:
    1. I’d like to thank our Executive Producers Jeremiah, Sihlus, Jess, and ArcaneDgr & violetaurelia. Our Sr. Producers Matt and xEmeraldxWolfx. Our Producers Kainsin, ThatPlace: Oklahoma City, JayKay and RoxieBear. And our Jr. Producers K-2SO, BuffaloDom84, Painwaits, LxSoumis, and Hayley. If you would like to become one of our show producers go to our website, https://kuldrinskrypt.com/support to get that information.
    2. Second, I’d like to talk BDSM contracts for their donation of their beautiful 25 page soft and hardbound M/s and D/s contracts.. http://bdsmcontracts.org coupon code: kuldrin20 for a 20% discount on all purchases.
    3. And finally, I’d like to thank http://whippingstripes.com my personal maker of leather and paracord impact toys.
NEXT WEEK’S AGENDA
  1. Next time on The Krypt . In the meantime go to https://kuldrinskrypt.com for show notes, how to subscribe information, and the link to Fetlife group so you can take part in the conversation and be eligible for giveaways. While you’re there click on support us to become a Patreon supporter.
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Outro: This has been Master Kuldrin for kuldrinskrypt.com: Unearth the Truth

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