Polyamory Partner Compatibility and Jealousy-S04E14

Recorded: 11/14/2021 / Published: //2021
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  • In this week’s episode of The Krypt, we are talking about polyamory partner compatibility and jealousy. 
    1. Safe, sane, consensual, and informed
    2. KNKI: Knowledge, No Intolerance, Kindness, Integrity
    3. “Submission is not about authority and it’s not about obedience; it is all about relationships of love and respect.” -Wm. Paul Young
  • “Polyamory Partner Compatibility and Jealousy-S04E14” 
    1. Polyamory: multiple loving, intentional, and intimate relationships at the same time. Polyamory is a type of open or non-monogamous relationship that follows certain guidelines. 

Polyamory specifically refers to people who have multiple romantic relationships at the same time. It does not mean any type of open relationship that may include more casual sexual partners. In many polyamorous relationships, each partner is aware of the other ones. 

Partners may also have relationships or friendships with each other.

There are a few different types of polyamory:

Solo polyamory includes people who don’t have primary partnerships but date multiple people. They remain mostly independent in their personal lives.

Polyfidelity refers to a group of three or more people who have a committed relationship with each other and do not date outside of the group. 

Hierarchical polyamory means people who have primary partnerships to which they devote the most time and attention, and secondary and tertiary partnerships that receive less time and attention. The primary partner may have more power over important decisions.

Non-hierarchical polyamory refers to people who don’t have a hierarchy of partners. It is also called egalitarian polyamory or relationship anarchy. Each partner may receive equal time and attention. They may also have equal input on important life choices.

    1. New Relationship Energy (NRE)
    2. Kitchen Table Polyamory
    3. What is the Difference Between Polyamory and Swinging?
      1. Swingers have multiple sexual partners but may not develop emotional or romantic connections with their partners. Swingers usually attend sex parties and other events to swap partners. They may have recurring sexual partners, but their focus is not on having romantic relationships.
  • “Compatibility is Less Obvious Than You’d Think” by Laura Boyle, Jan 26, 
    1. https://www.readyforpolyamory.com/post/compatibility-is-less-obvious-than-you-d-think 
    2. “It seems like the primary problem for a polyamorous person would be “do we get along well enough to date?” and then “are they interested in polyamory or already polyamorous?” and if both are a yes, everyone is all set. While that’s certainly the first question, it’s unfortunately not the last. 

Compatibility in a polyamorous relationship can be complicated by all the same factors as compatibility in monogamous relationships – are you looking for something serious right now? If so: Do you want kids/Do you have kids? Are you good with money? Do you keep house in comfortably compatible ways? Do you intend to move soon or travel as part of your lifestyle? Do either/any of you have issues with addiction that will complicate your relationship to the point of incompatibility? 

And compatibility is additionally complicated by uniquely polyamorous problems: are you looking for relationships to fit into similar structures or can you handle being a connection between differing networks? Do you have enough time and energy to give each other the relationship you want without neglecting the other relationship(s) you’re already in? Are you prepared to help each other address jealousy head on?

I think many of us are “trained” from a pretty young age to make sure we know our answers to the monogamous questions as if they’re universal. A lot of them do transfer over, so it’s good if we’re self-aware enough to have paid attention and noticed them. Some of them, like if you’d live together well, you won’t know until you’re quite deep in with someone unless you’re starting to date a long-time friend, but it’s good to note that they matter and try to keep them in the back of your mind. 

The two ways that relationship “structure” can matter is in the matter of hierarchy or non-hierarchical relationships and kitchen table to parallel relationships. I think the latter is much more easily overcome; but for some people, a casual relationship with someone who considers them secondary where they don’t use that term in their own relationships generally is fine, so long as they don’t make a larger habit of it. 

Time and energy (or, combined, “bandwidth”) for a relationship you’re adding can be a pretty hard thing to judge if you’re swept up in feelings and NRE. It’s important to try to look at your schedule and be realistic about how often you’ll see someone while maintaining your connections with other partners. Most polyamorous people are understanding about a few weeks of excitement and less time while you’re seeing someone new a little extra, but long-term shifting of priorities can leave people feeling lost and forgotten. 

This can mean that newest partners gain time in your schedule slowly, especially if your partners don’t prefer a kitchen table model of polyamory – so both or all of you being prepared to talk over and process jealous moments can be important. As we’ve mentioned before, jealousy is a reminder to see what’s happening, and can be harmless or serious depending on the moment, but the checking on it matters. 

It’s really tempting to believe that any nice polyamorous person willing to go on a date will be compatible with us, but there are other dimensions and some of these are polyamory specific. I hope I’ve given you a little sense of what those are and reminded you of the overall compatibility tests we need to apply, still, because shared community isn’t always shared values.”

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