Trauma: Survivor Vs Victim Vs Acceptance-S03E20

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Recorded: 11/08/2020 /  Published to Podcast: 5/17/2021
  • Welcome to Kuldrin’s Krypt. I’m your host Master Kuldrin. If you are new to the show I use my 25 years of BDSM experience and 20 years working in the psychology field to dispel myths, get rid of stereotypes, and answer your questions about BDSM. You can call in at 865-268-4005 to leave your question or visit the Krypt at
  • In this episode of The Krypt Mayfair and I have a very special guest on the show to talk about Trauma and the community. She is a Sr. Producer and the administrator of the Patreon producer’s only Discord Community, xEmeraldxWolfx!
      1. 1: Safe, sane, consensual, and informed
      2. 2: KNKI: Knowledge, No Intolerance, Kindness, Integrity
      3. 3: “Submission is not about authority and it’s not about obedience; it is all about relationships of love and respect.” -Wm. Paul Young
  • – WARNING: Potential trigger risks ahead. Listen at your own risk.
  • – “Trauma and Community: Survivor Vs Victim Vs Acceptance-S03E20”
    1. – By xEmeraldxWolfx
    2. – I recently attended a munch where part of the focus of conversation revolved around trauma. How we handle it, the mindset we have, where we can get stuck, and just the general approach different people have. I am sure we can all identify or are familiar with people in the various stages or mindsets of processing trauma. The stages were outlined as victim, survivor, and acceptance. Most of us can look back at our lives and recognize when we have experienced one mindset or another, but for some reason, some people never move on from one or another and get stuck there. I am not an expert and I don’t think I can relate to what was explained in a clear concise manner. That being said, this is my understanding of the 3 stages and I wanted to get them out, get some feedback, and see if others have anything to add.

The victim is the stage after the trauma has happened. Wounds, physical, emotional, and mental, are starting to heal. It takes time and sometimes effort to work through the initial shock and aftermath of the event. We all probably know people that either fly through this stage or get stuck here. Those that get stuck here seem to always be playing the victim, they never move on and take ownership of the thing that happened to them that they survived. This isn’t referring to actual victims that were at the wrong place at the wrong time or targeted for whatever reason. Predators are out there and they seem pretty prevalent on FetLife, but that’s a topic for another day. Everything in the victim’s life is done to them and they take little or no responsibility for their role in the way events play out, and if they do it’s in an effort to placate those around them so they can continue their cycle of being the victim. They seem to be addicted to the attention they get from it, but they don’t seem to realize that it pushes people in their life away or that they are manipulating everyone to see their perspective. Sometimes it goes as far as gaslighting, but not always.

Then there are the survivors. These seem to be the people that relish in the things they have survived. They sometimes intentionally put themselves into situations where they have to survive whether they are aware of their motives or not. I am not talking about the people that educate themselves, and craft their skills to do things like survive in the wild, or do intense physical challenges. Those people are generally aware of the logic and rationale behind their choices to do those things and accept the consequences of it. I am talking about the people that intentionally or not, choose to participate in risky behavior to relive their trauma or experience similar traumas. They’re too busy dealing with the new thing they have to survive that they never really deal with their thoughts and feelings about any of them. They never move on, their traumas still hold some sway over them whether it’s strong emotions, avoidant actions, or something else. They can’t discuss the traumas in a healthy way that belies it as just something that happened; such as eating a meal or visiting a place.

Then there are those that learn to accept their trauma. They take the time, and if they don’t have it, they make the time to deal with the trauma and move themselves through processing it so their mind and bodies can fully heal. That’s not to say they don’t have scars or permanent damage, but it no longer has a serious impact on their physical and mental health; it’s just their new reality and they have accepted the things they cannot change through time and effort.

After the conversation about traumas and the different stages, I started thinking about communities, and how certain types of people are drawn to certain aspects. The victims need their audience so a lot of times they will bounce from one place, one community, one tribe to another as they seek that attention. Eventually, people will start to realize what is happening and disassociate from them or the community sometimes gets taken down with the individual. Everyone wants to believe the victim and that it is/was all the perpetrator’s fault, but sometimes that’s just not the case; sometimes it’s just human error from both parties or regret. Survivors tend to be well known and sometimes have similar interactions with the community. They take risks and participate in play they probably shouldn’t be. Then there are those that have chosen to move on. They tend to be the people willing and able to help others, they offer resources, advice, and guidance; they want others to succeed. Some of these people get stuck trying to fix those around them while others will offer their hand to help someone up, but they recognize that they can’t do the work for someone that isn’t willing to put in the effort themselves.

With all that being said, I want to reiterate that this is just my understanding of the stages or mindsets involved with traumatic events or experiences. It wasn’t a topic I had put much thought into until it came up and I was able to listen to people educated in the psych field describe and discuss various aspects of it. I am curious about what other’s thoughts and feelings are about this topic. Is it something you’ve considered before? Have you interacted with someone in one stage or another? Did you learn any lessons from those interactions? What are those lessons?

    1. – Why did you write this?
    2. – Has there been any blowback from posting it?
    3. – We’ve all experienced some level of trauma: death of a loved one, physical and/or emotional abuse, sexual assault, violation of limits, etc. 
      1. – A: What do you think lies within those who are able to move past it and into acceptance?
      2. – B: What do you think it is about the victim and survivor mentalities that cause people to get stuck here?
    4. – Do you think it is possible for people to move forward if they have plateaued in one of those two mentalities?
    5. What is your biggest piece of advice when talking with people that seem to “stuck” as a victim or as a survivor?
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  2. National Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255
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