PodcastShow Notes

Consent Part 2 Boundaries

Conscent Part 2: Boundaries

On this episode of the Krypt we are going to get into the second half of our Consent conversation, with our main focus on Boundaries.

  1. * A special shout out to Kuldrin, much of this podcast was written by Kuldrin, as he used to teach a class in boundaries during his tenure working in the psychological field.  Much of this is actually just taken from those lessons and reformatted into show notes.*
  2. When we left off from part one of our two-part series on consent we were talking about the importance of being able to say no, and uphold our boundaries when it comes to consent.  
  3. A boundary is defined as a dynamic line separating an individual’s internal environment and external environment, while varying in permeability and flexibility.  This also applies to a line between others in that environment.
    1. Purposes and Types of Boundaries
      1. Purposes are to facilitate separation and individuation and to assist the individual’s adaptation to the environment.
        1. For BDSM this means that you will use these personal boundaries to maintain your personal self, and what you are willing to consent to.  
      2. Types of boundaries can be broken down into:
        1. Ridged open which can be considered your soft limits
        2. Ridged closed, these are similar to your hard limits.
        3. Flexible or the things you might be open to, and things you are willing to negotiate.
    2. You need to learn what your appropriate boundaries are, how to set them, and how to recognize and respect the boundaries of others.
      1. How to identify your own boundaries.
        1. Become aware of your needs.  You can’t expect others to respect or know what your boundaries are if you don’t know them yourself.  
        2. Get support.  Having others who will support you and help you uphold those boundaries is an important step.  Many times you can even find a protector to help you in this capacity.
        3. Communicate effectively.   Whether it’s expressing an interest or negotiating your limits, this has always been an important skill.  For more information on the subject check out our episode on effective communication.
        4. Be realistic.  
      2. Where boundaries start.
        1. Boundaries are natural.  Infants start to develop flexible boundaries at 6 months old.  Boundaries are developed and set before age 3. Have you ever looked at an infant in the eyes and it stared back briefly just before closing its eyes or turning its head? It did this because the stimulation became too much. Thus it set a boundary.
        2. People with healthy boundaries have limits and recognize what they are, know what they will or will not do and they know what they will or will not allow others to do.
        3. Teaching others how to treat you within the BDSM dynamic boundaries.  
          1. Training is a big part of this.  Not only do you have general training, but with each new relationship you have to train yourself and your partner as to how to be treated, and how to treat them.  
          2. Again communicate your boundaries.  Listen and respect the communications of others as well.  And remember that not all communications of these boundaries is vocal.  A person may be demonstrating a personal boundary via silent cues so try to always be observant of your surroundings.  
    3. When boundaries aren’t respected.  
      1. When boundaries aren’t respected, and we are faced with consent violations what can we do?
        1. If your consent has been violated, first determine for yourself if the person has made an honest mistake, or if this is a case of abuse.
          1. Recognize that you are not to blame in either case.
          2. Seek support from those around you.  
          3. Communicate your feelings.
          4. Take your time.  The simple fact is if you have been abused it will take time to heal, physically, mentally, and emotionally.  The only person who can say whether it has been enough or too much time for this process is you. Rushing can often do more harm than good in these instances.  
        2. What can you do if someone you know has had their consent violated?
          1. Give them time.
          2. Listen but never ask or demand that they talk about what has happened.  
          3. Believe what they say.  We each individually set our own personal boundaries and we are the only ones capable of saying whether those boundaries have been crossed.  
          4. Do not rush to be their saviors.  Often we can find ourselves wanting to be the saviors for those around us, especially if we have taken a role as a protector, but we also need to remember that protecting someone is something which that person also has to consent to.  Going off to fight a battle for someone who does not consent to it can be just as harmful to that person as the original consent violation was.
        3. And now we’re going to dip into the hardest question of all; what do you do if you have been the one who violated someone’s consent?
          1. Be honest with yourself as to whether or not you intended the violation.  
            1. If it is a case in which you made an honest mistake then you should apologise sincerely, and offer understanding.  Understanding comes in many different forms; you will need to understand that your actions have affected someone who placed some level of trust in you, and that you may need to make further amends.  Often you will have make a greater effort to regain that person’s trust, using patience and communication every step of the way. And finally you can forgive yourself for mistake, so that you can hopefully learn from it in the future.  
          2. If it was not a mistake….
            1. Start by owning what you have done.  Denying that you abused and mistreated another purposefully will only make things worse.  
            2. Do not think you will live your life without consequences for your misdeeds.  
            3. Do not allow yourself this choice again.  
            4. Do not expect others to treat you with the courtesy or respect you have refused to show someone else.   
    4. Other worthwhile notes on consent within our lifestyle.  
      1. Physical boundaries ie condoms.  Condoms are an important boundary for many as they reduce both the risk of pregnancy and that of STIs and STDs.   There was actually a law about the removal of condoms before or during a sexual act without your partner’s knowledge, an act known as stealthing, added in California back in May 2017, which added that once stealthing has happened the act is no longer considered consensual.  
      2. The NCSF, ALI Project, and Consent Counts.
        1. The National Coalition for Sexual Freedom or NCSF has been coordinating the Consent Counts project in a BDSM community worldwide effort in education and activism in order to offer legal protection against consent violations.  The American Law Institute has been working in conjunction with this to change the Moral Penal Code to decriminalize consensual BDSM.
        2. What this means for all of us is that for most states in the U.S. and several other countries, whether we consent to the activities we are engaging in or not, they are still considered legally reprehensible.  But we will be digging more into this topic during our BDSM and the law episode later on this season.
    5. Well that wraps up our consent series.  If you have any questions or comments join in the conversation in our Fetlife group Kuldrins Kyrpt.  And now…
  1. A final note or two.
    1. I’d like to thank our Executive Producer Jeremiah, Our Senior Producer Matt, Producer Missy Lynn and our Jr. Producers K-2SO, Irish Mt. Dragon and The Accidental Trucker. If you would like to become one of our show producers go to our website, https://kuldrinskrypt.com/supportme to get that information.
    2. Second, I’d like to talk BDSM contracts for their donation of their beautiful 25 page soft and hard bound M/s and D/s contracts.. http://bdsmcontracts.org coupon code: kuldrin20 for a 20% discount on all purchases.
    3. And finally, I’d like to thank http://whippingstripes.com my personal maker of leather and paracord impact toys.
NEXT WEEK’S AGENDA
  1. Next on The Krypt we are going to dive into . In the meantime go to kuldrinskrypt.com for shownotes, how to subscribe information, and the link to Fetlife group so you can take part in the conversation and be eligible for giveaways. While you’re there click on support us to because a patreon supporter.
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