Kuldrin’s Krypt: A BDSM 101 Podcast
S01E16-Online Play & Relationships
Intro: Welcome to Kuldrin’s Krypt I’m your host Master Kuldrin. If you are new to the show this is a place to dispel myths, get rid of stereotypes, and answer your questions about BDSM. You can call in at 865-268-4005 to leave your question or visit the Krypt at kudrinskrypt.com. Joining us today and every episode hereafter is my new co-host, Funsize. Today we’ll be discussing online BDSM, and relationships. Many newcomers to the lifestyle are part of the online scene, as well as several veterans these days. So Funsize, you’ve got a bit more experience in this area than I do, what exactly is online play?
Online BDSM and play is a way for people to connect and learn safely and sometimes more conveniently than in real life. It’s setting up a virtual scene and while some choose to use cams, or pictures, mostly it’s carried out various chat and instant messaging forums, sometimes even through texting.
What makes it safer or more convenient?
Well for newbies to the lifestyle it’s safer because it’s a way for them to learn and experience, often for the first time, a scene. This doesn’t mean there aren’t dangers or risks in online play, but it does change things.
When you say there are risks, what kinds of risks?
Well, online as with every where, there are predators. With online play, particularly in chat rooms, the risks of running into these predators increases. Many have been known to even stalk certain online communities.
How would you classify an online predator?
Usually online predators will behave one of two ways when they start out. They will either start off very sweet, feigning ‘feelings’ that progress very quickly, unreasonably so, or they will instantly ask you to partake in a scene, typically either ignoring or not even bothering with limits or negotiations, and you may feel pressured into a situation that may not be quite comfortable. Other behaviors they may exhibit is asking for pictures, cams, face times, tasks to be carried out, some even want your home or cell phone numbers. Many predators like this will also react badly if you try to put a stop to their behavior, using classic abusive tendencies; guilt, bullying, lying, and even intimidation. They’re different from the fake or instas in that they know what they are doing and push past people’s limits and personal boundaries for their own selfish gains. And I think what throws most people is that it’s not just Doms that can be predators, subs can be too.
Submissive predators are just as dangerous as any others out there, and exhibit a lot of the same behaviors.
Wow lots to look out for out there. Alright, back to what you said about it being more convenient?
Well for one thing it’s easier to meet people. With the spread of the internet, the flow of communication has grown, and BDSM has stepped out of the proverbial closet, and with it thousands of people are able to connect and be a part of this community like never before. Now you can “meet” someone online that’s across town or halfway around the world. It’s more convenient for finding the right person or people that way. You can also spend months vetting your potential partners before ever meeting face to face. And of course there’s the ease created for those of us with more complicated situations. Marriage, children, personal personas, and ours jobs may keep us from living the lifestyle 24/7, and virtual reality can help with that. It’s a way that many of us can live and have our needs fulfilled when we otherwise couldn’t.
I have a friend who takes advantage of this facet of online play in just this way. He has a vanilla marriage, and a high profile career, so online play is really his only outlet currently. His needs are still there, so he has an online only submissive, she’s discreet, and they’re both happy with the arrangement. To me this part of modern BDSM only highlights how accepting our community can be, even when the rest of the world really isn’t sometimes.
Alright, so online play stays on online, it’s carried out in virtual reality only.
Not always, there are ways for people to experience some parts of it in the real world as well. There’s obviously tasks to be assigned and carried out, but there’s also various forms of self-love, (keeping it pg-13 here), and self-flagellation. Many of it is virtual however, but as they say, the mind is mightier than the flesh.
How would a typical scene be played out? Can you give a Pg-13 example?
Well for example if you and I were to ever set up a scene, we would start by negotiating hard and soft limits, just as we normally would. However some of those might change from online to real life or vice versa, for example I might say no cams for online, but in real life it might not matter, or it might be no shared videos. Anyway, most likely in this scenario you would say something like, “go to my dungeon.” We could then start the scene in that setting, you could pick a plethora of toys, that you may not even have at your disposal, and “whip” me with them. Or maybe you’d just ask me to “kneel” and behave submissively towards you. Sometimes these scenes develop into something sexual but as with all BDSM, sex isn’t always involved. In truth a lot of online play is based on the mindset of those involved. It’s all about communication and honest interaction.
As I understand it you have an online relationship that’s ongoing right now, what can you tell us about that?
I have an online Dominant and a sub I play with regularly. I have a collar and everything, actually I have a physical collar. I wear it at home, I wish I could wear it to work but then I’d be violating the dress code, which I’m sure is something many others have experienced. Um we play and have scenes once maybe twice a week, but communicate outside of that every day or at least every other day. I have this kind of relationship right now because it’s more convenient for me that way. I’ve had the 24/7 lifestyle before in real life, but with my current situation in life, I didn’t think I could handle it realistically. Online play is a way for my needs to be met, and for me to have a balance in my life I’d otherwise be lacking.
Where would someone go to experience the online lifestyle?
There are tons of websites out there that cater to BDSM chat. Fetlife, huge community, has a very good internal messaging service for its members. Then there’s websites like Alt.com, though that is payed a community. And there’s the website I administrate for, the Order of Avalon. But there are tons and tons more out, basically just google BDSM chat and you’ll likely find something.
Alright so that’s online play 101, if anyone has any questions please feel free to post, leave messages, or email us.
NEXT WEEK’S AGENDA
- Next week Funsize is going to continue educating us about modern BDSM practices by discussing the ins and out of taking that online relationship to a real world setting. In the meantime visit kuldrinskrypt.com to sign up for our mailing list, to get subscribed to the podcast, and also help support the show through patreon.
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Outro: This has been Master Kuldrin & Funsize for kuldrinskrypt.com: Unearth the Truth