PodcastShow Notes

BDSM and Marriage-S01E48

Recorded: June 24, 2018  / Published: July 28, 2018
  1. Call in at 865-268-4005 to leave your question or visit the Krypt at https://kudrinskrypt.com
  2. On this episode of the Krypt we are going to explore a very complex subject, BDSM in marriage.
  3. Rules to Love by:
      1. Safe, sane, consensual, and informed
      2. KNKI: Knowledge, No Intolerance, Kindness, Integrity
      3. “Submission is not about authority and it’s not about obedience; it is all about relationships of love and respect.” -Wm. Paul Young
  4. Introduction
    1. We have to slightly change up our show’s format here because we don’t have a definition.  BDSM and marriage separately are such complex topics that intertwining can look like a minefield full of twist and turns.
  5. What are some of the complexities?
    1. Jealousy
      1. No matter the dynamic of your marriage jealousy can and more than likely will arise at some point.  
      2. If you our your partner is poly this may pop up more.  
      3. It’s important to discuss with your spouse if one or both of you become jealous.  Communication can help you find the source of this jealousy and then you can work together on alleviating the situation.
        1. Sources may surprise you.
          1. Feeling like you don’t get enough attention.
          2. Stress
          3. Worry over creating emotional bonds.
        2. Do not allow yourself, your spouse, or any third or fourth party person to become disrespectful.  
          1. If you have a third person in the relationship and you see them snipping at your spouse or vice versa it’s a sign of jealousy.  It’s rude, can become abusive, and who wants to live with that kind of discord? Instead, discuss the incident and set the boundary of respect and communication.  
    2. Communication
      1. This is the single most important thing in any relationship.  Communication cannot be undersold.
      2. If you are already part of the lifestyle when you get married, simply put, your partner should already know.  However, if you are married and you start getting into the lifestyle it is far better to discuss your growing interest and needs.
        1. I know there are quite a few people out there who are hiding their BDSM lifestyle from their spouse.  And every single person I know who is doing is this is experiencing the same two things. First, they are sure it would end their marriage if their partner found out.  Second, they live with gut-wrenching fear and guilt over what they are doing.
    3. If one person in the relationship is in the lifestyle.
      1. Does the vanilla partner know?
      2. If your spouse does know but isn’t interested in participating in the kink community or scenes, they can still be your support system.  I know several vanilla partners, not just spouses but boyfriends and girlfriends, who will just attend munches.
      3. It is also important to communicate and negotiate what is acceptable in your kink.  You may be dominant but if your spouse says cuddling with a submissive during aftercare crosses a boundary in your marriage, you might just have to find a stand-in for that activity.  
    4. If both are.
      1. Scenes together
        1. Negotiate if this a 24/7 lifestyle, or merely in the bedroom.  
      2. Scenes apart
        1. Having clearly defined boundaries will be important.
    5. Having a family.
      1. Majorly complex already
      2. It can be healthy for your family to view your dynamic in vanilla settings.  Communication especially is prized in the BDSM lifestyle and can help teach youngsters how to approach everyday life and relationships.  
    6. Unexpected mines popping up.
      1. When you get married you agree to stand beside someone as you both learn and grow.  But part of that is that things we don’t expect pop up, some good, some bad. In BDSM these mines may require a spouses support, or be caused by that spouse.  How you handle the situation can remake or break your marriage.
    7. Religious beliefs about marriage.
      1. Adultery.  This is something that comes up for a lot of couples.  Many of us grew up with the notion that any relationship outside of marriage was bad and a sexual relationship was adultery.  You may have consented to a polyamorous marriage but the feeling of betrayal can still pop up.
        1. These feelings that arise can feel like cheating, or they may even be just that.  Go through the steps to handle these situations. Communicate, forgive your partner or yourself, move on and work towards rebuilding.  Punishment can also be a tricky minefield in these situations.
  6. Tips we have found to help with balancing functional marriage and BDSM.  
    1. Communicate.
      1. Ask questions and clearly negotiate boundaries.
      2. Don’t become instantly disheartened if your vanilla partner reacts negatively towards BDSM.  There is so much misinformation and so many bad apples ruining it for the rest of us that they may simply require time to process.  Most often they will come back with a million questions. It’s important not to get defensive and simple answer.
    2. Always be respectful
    3. Offer empathy.
    4. Take time to calm down if you become angry or upset.  
    5. Understand that as you both grow as people things are going to change and the unexpected may occur.  
    6. Be careful to watch for frenzy and/or burnout.  
      1. If one partner is experiencing either things can become volatile, but if both are….
      2. Ask for support and a secondary watcher for these things from a third-party person.  
    7. Be part of each other’s support system.
  7. A final note or two.
    1. I’d like to thank our Executive Producers Jeff, Jeremiah, and Sihlus, our Senior Producers Matt and Jeremy, our Producers Kainsin, Danni, and Heather, and our Jr. Producers K-2SO, Irish Mt. Dragon, and BuffaloDom84. If you would like to become one of our show producers go to our website, https://kuldrinskrypt.com/support to get that information.
    2. Second, I’d like to talk BDSM contracts for their donation of their beautiful 25 page soft and hard bound M/s and D/s contracts.. http://bdsmcontracts.org coupon code: kuldrin20 for a 20% discount on all purchases.
    3. And finally, I’d like to thank http://whippingstripes.com my personal maker of leather and paracord impact toys.
NEXT WEEK’S AGENDA
  1. Next, on The Krypt we are going to talk about contracts and collaring. In the meantime go to kuldrinskrypt.com for show notes, how to subscribe information, and the link to Fetlife group so you can take part in the conversation and be eligible for giveaways. While you’re there click on support us to become a Patreon supporter.
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Outro: This has been Master Kuldrin and Funsize for kuldrinskrypt.com: Unearth the Truth

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